Friday, September 30, 2005

Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal

Now, as some of you recall, I pledged last month to run for Congress in the near future. That dream will begin to take slightly more shape this weekend, when the annual convention of the Ancient and Honorable Society of Buckeye kicks off in Palo Colorado Canyon. Participants in this noble experiment, ongoing for over fifty years, will include attorney Richard A. Rosen, my infamous Uncle Myles, and a certain congressman from District 17, whose brain I fully intend to pick as soon as a sufficient stupor sets in. This is part of an overall scheme on my part, under a working title of “Rosen & the Will to Power”. Sooner or later, the legendary Sam Farr will be forced to bring the ship into shore, and, when that happens, I fully intend to take over the reins. Unless, of course, it doesn’t happen soon enough, in which case I will shift my base of operations to more opportune pastures. I am a firm believer in the American system, up to and including the ancient and honorable practice of carpetbagging. However, this system, like any under the sun, has its limitations. Hence, I will make this pledge right now to you, my loyal future constituents: If they don’t elect me, I will take power.

Speaking of taking power, we’re all talking about Tom DeLay, who, in the “better late than never” department, just got indicted. Comrade DeLay displayed the crisis-management skills typically associated with his party in a Fox News exclusive, mounting an impassioned defense that began “I was first investigated in 1993…” Stirring stuff, that. “Friends, Romans, countrymen”, “Four score and seven years ago”, and now, a new pillar in the pantheon of public appeal. After a lengthy catalogue of “what” and “how”, DeLay worked his way around to the much more difficult “why”. As he movingly explained, “Texans deserved a Republican majority”, which is why he was compelled to break the law. Over and over again. This seems like a pretty weak justification, on the surface of things, but consider this statement literally for a minute. Texans voted Ann Richards out and replaced her with a guy who managed to lose money on an energy concern in their corrupt state. Of course they deserve a Republican majority. I deserve my own In N Out Burger right in my backyard, but thus far, I have observed the local zoning ordinances.

Somewhat less observant, on the other hand, are John Kerry and Bill Clinton, who, at a time when 60% of Americans oppose the Iraq war and Bush’s approval ratings have finally dipped into batting average territory, think that Democratic leadership means lauding the “progress” in the Iraq war and minor, nitpicking criticisms of the means by which it was begun, respectively. At a time when the only surge being experienced by any ranking Democrat is on Harry Reid’s EKG, two of the party’s faces, for better or worse, are exhibiting a curious case of political Stockholm syndrome. Kerry, as we know, is completely inept at differentiating his platform from that of the Republican party. Chuck Hagel, a Nebraska Republican, no less, has been more outspoken in his criticism of the war than Kerry. I would have expected better, however, from Bill, who learned the hard way, time and again, that there is nothing to be gained by going along with the latest assault on due process. In this case, of course, he’s also going along with his wife, who believes that re-election in one of the most liberal states in the Union hinges on being the last person to admit this war was a bigger mistake than my last three kids.

The Democratic party, especially in the Senate, has displayed such pathetic vision that it seems like a better bet at this point to rebuild from the ground up than to attempt to wring any sort of leadership out of the stooges currently in office. The problem, of course, is that old politicians don’t die, for the most part, until they’re no longer old politicians, but simply old people. But what’s more realistic – overhauling the platform, or overhauling the personnel? As difficult as it is believe, Americans really do want change. Look at California. We don’t care who’s in office, so long as he’s new. Gray Davis isn’t tough enough on Big Energy? We’ll elect Big Energy, for a change! Because you’re kidding yourself if you think the recall stunt was anything less. The important thing to remember is, it’s change. Never mind from what. The country as a whole is no different. Eight nightmarish years of peace and prosperity, and we elect a new president and a new party to clean up this town called America. Or did we? Well, we came close enough for that to be a matter of some controversy. But, like I say, if they don’t elect me, I’ll just take power.

The rest of you, however, might put some thought into taking it back.


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