Saturday, August 30, 2008

You Can't Make This Shit Up

Despite being the world’s laziest blogger, there was no way I was going to let the selection of first-term Alaska governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate go unmentioned in these hallowed pages. Read on for my reactions in roughly the order I had them, uncensored, unabridged, and unkind.

As I drove into work, the know-it-alls on NPR were hailing this as an opportunity to fundamentally reshuffle the electorate. I’m not sure I’d go that far, but as an Obama guy, I’ll admit thinking “if walruses win the right to vote between now and November, we’re in big trouble.”

The cynics have said this is further evidence that McCain will do anything to get elected. I just think it’s further evidence that he’ll do anything to get an erection.

Now that McCain has cast his lot with an ethically dubious nutcase from a western state with a four-digit population, Larry Craig has to be thinking “Who do I have to blow to get a slot in this cabinet?”

A hardline social conservative, Palin’s newest fearless policy initiative is to rename the waterway bordering Alaska’s westernmost point the “Bering Straight”. OK, even I’ll admit that wasn’t very funny.

Palin apparently named her first son “Track”, her first daughter “Bristol”, and her youngest son “Trig”. It’s a good thing frontier toughs don’t tend to believe in therapy, because these kids could go through a high six figures worth.

While this pick is sure to enrage whatever portion of McCain’s base has the slightest belief in meritocracy, it could be the best chance yet for the famously Internet-shy senator to learn such 21st-century terminology as “WTF” and “RUFKM”.

It’s too bad noted squirrel chef Mike Huckabee isn’t the presidential nominee, because he and mooseburger aficionado Palin could throw a varmint supper fundraiser that would singlehandedly negate Obama’s online contribution edge.

Much in the same way that McCain promises to be a continuation of Bush, Palin promises to be a continuation of Cheney. Think about it: they’re both hunters, both hail from the middle of nowhere, and, if Palin keeps having kids at this rate, she’s statistically almost certain to someday have a lesbian daughter she can conspicuously avoid discussing.

But don’t let Palin’s meager resume and McCain’s preponderance of vacation homes fool you into thinking these two won’t work round the clock. Between them, McCain and Palin have both 4 PM and 4 AM feedings covered.