"Live and don't learn. That's us."

As everyone knows, last Friday marked the twenty-fifth anniversary of my heralded arrival on this planet. I say “heralded” because it was announced in the Monterey County Herald. Well, that, and the fact that I’m an egomaniac. Hence, I decided that my birthday blog entry would depart from the past few months’ tradition of blissful silence, and instead showcase the wisdom I’ve gleaned from a quarter century of gleefully doing what I want, when I want, in the manner I deem appropriate. Coincidentally, this is a really short entry by my standards.

Things I Done Learned:

Attitude makes a big difference. When I went on a long weekend to Jewish summer camp in the sixth grade, I was resolved to hate it before I even arrived. I could have started with an open mind – and risked waiting until Day 2 or 3 to really make those counselors earn their money.

There are an almost infinite number of beer bottles in the world, but you have at most a couple dozen teeth. Save them for special occasions, such as when your birthday falls on a Friday.

You have only two choices: you can be yourself, or you can be a second-rate version of someone else - including yourself. You can’t, however, be someone else.

When people say “If I were you”, they really mean “If you were me”.

There are few things wrong with your personal life that a weekend at the lake won’t fix, or at least obscure for the time being.

It’s almost impossible to conceive of a more profound attachment than the present one.

Playing an unorthodox role doesn’t change the fact that it’s only a role.

It’s tempting to get wrapped up in what you’d do differently if you had it to do all over again. But you do have it to do all over again – just in less time and with more cynicism.

And, finally, being sexy is a full-time job, and there ain’t no vacation or overtime.