Sunday, December 25, 2005

It's As Big As The Promise, The Promise Of A Comin' Day


Last night, after drinking a glass of port, I came up with another one of my patented Fearless Policy Initiatives (FPI’s). The boys and I were talking some campaign finance reform: how it’s desperately needed, but no one wants to be seen squashing the free-enterprise-run-amok that is the electoral system. It’s a fine line. I think the average American feels an innate sympathy for racketeering, and for meaningful change to come about, the voter must feel that he himself, not some abstract concept of fair play, is being defrauded by the current system. This is the essence of Tom DeLay’s defense: I did it for you, guys. Screw the rules – you’re more important.

This is why the neoconservative doctrine has such innate appeal. Its message is exactly that. We don’t need to abide by international convention to launch a war, if it’s to protect our own. If your ass was on the line, would you rather I fussed around with rules and regulations, or dropped bombs until you were out of harm’s way? This why my older friends bought me beer when I was underage: my happiness was more important tan the rule of law. Well, that, and the exponentially higher likelihood that I would sing the periodic table once properly shitfaced.

Hence, any attempt at campaign finance reform must 1) empower the individual voter in a direct and tangible manner, 2) give the politicians themselves a forum for unfettered honesty, and 3) at least create the illusion that on the whole, freedom is being increased and not curtailed. As I so often do, I devised a system that satisfies all three major criteria, while remaining wildly advantageous to people like me, from whose gifts the voting public has been sheltered for much too long.

What I am proposing is this: All candidates are entitled to whatever campaign materials, endorsements, or promotions can fit onto their bare buttocks. This is a brilliant idea on many levels. For one, it would favor candidates with larger buttocks and lesser inhibitions. It would also make a brilliant instantiation of the vague but deeply felt notion that the longer a campaign goes on, the lower the candidates will sink. No one would want to be the first guy to bare all of his ass, but it would certainly prove expedient. And for those of us less gifted in the volume department, it would become as much an eating contest as a political one.

Finally, Americans would be treated to honest and uncompromised campaigning, while focusing on the part of a politician we all suspect is being bared to us as it is, albeit in subtler ways. The electorate would be given a chance to call the bluff of the elected. I firmly believe that the measure of service is how low one is willing to stoop for the benefit of others. I mean, we all loved the teachers who volunteered for the dunk tank, right? This would be a simple way to find out just how much your vote means to your would-be representative. Of course, it would also advance a premise that all of my campaigns have ridden, however discreetly I implied it: All other things being equal, shouldn’t your leader have an amazing ass?


To those of my readers who celebrate Christmas, may it be a joyous one, and may you have enough friends and family that you aren’t compelled to read this miserable blog for your peace on earth/good will to men fix. To everyone else, ditto. To my Jewish supporters, may the theaters and Chinese restaurants be open early and late today. And, finally, to Sarah Silverman, in case you’re reading, I’m still single.